$40 Well-spent? or Down the Crapper?

So, Mr. Wonderful from jdate didn't write me back, although I could see that he did read my message (don't you just love technology?). Perhaps he is not ready to be back out in the dating world. Perhaps he just wasn't that into me. Or, perhaps he is rather dick-ish. Likely, my friends, the world shall never know.

And so I am left to ask the age old question philosophers have been pondering for centuries, "Were these 40 jdate bucks well spent, or more money down the kosher crapper?".

Like Plato, Socrates, Kant and others who have come before me, I'm left to muse over this deep philosophical issue. After deep thought and meditation, I have to say that the money was well spent. It is rare to find even a profile that peaks my interest. Better to have blown money for lunch, a movie and a giant pack of Twizzlers to see if Mr. Wonderful was really wonderful than to invest the money in a failing stock market and always wonder. Asked and answered.

Minutiae Dump

My life backpack is a little heavy these days, so I've decided to dump the minutiae. Although every piece of minutiae is miniscule by itself, it sure adds up.

Case in point: dating minutiae. I decided to join jdate for a month and e-mail the 'Wow' guy previously mentioned. Before I got around to joining, I noted that he pulled his match.com account and had taken his jdate account off of the searchable mode. This made me question whether he has decided he isn't really ready to date, or if his inbox was simply flooded with Jersey jdate chicks who were hot for a widower making more than $100k per year.

The dilemma - to e-mail or not to e-mail? if he is non-searchable, will he find it stalkeresque that I had saved his profile to Favorites and am just e-mailing him now? Should I e-mail him now, or wait a few days so he can potentially stumble across my profile himself? Would he prefer making the first contact, or find it flattering that I took the initiative? Are the pictures in my profile representative? Should I take a few more? Which should I lead with? What should my e-mail to him say? How should I sign it? At what time of day should I ......... ENOUGH. THE ANSWER IS: WHO THE FUCK CARES???????.

Honestly, people -- enough. It really just doesn't matter.

If he likes me, and I like him, it really doesn't matter. And it won't matter if I wear a black shirt or a gray shirt on the date. Jeans or khakis. Heels or flats. If its there, its there. If its not, its not. Done.

This is really very freeing; I wish I'd come to this truth about 10 years ago. It would have freed up enough room in my lifepack for a sleeping bag.

Please Don't Step Away from the Couch ....

I met with my therapist last week and told her I thought it might be time for us to break-up. I mean, let's face it --- I've survived a broken engagement, the decision to have a baby on my own, the trauma of realizing I needed to use a gestational carrier, and the first 10 months of raising a baby on my own. At this point, what else is there to talk about ????

I told my therapist last week that I'm sick of Dating. Sick of talking about dating, sick of looking for people to date, sick of analyzing why its difficult to find someone to date, and most certainly sick of the actual act of Dating. Enough already.

I told her that I wanted to transition my dating approach to the approach I used to find my new home. Namely, I never thought I'd live in my old home forever; but, I was certainly happy enough there and never gave finding a new home much thought. And then, in the midst of my parents pseudo-divorce when I was looking for a place for my mom, I literally stumbled across my current home when I was meeting my real estate agent at an open house. I walked in, looked around, and said, 'Wow'. Took two more steps and repeated the prophetic, 'Wow'. Looked out the window and repeated, "Wow'. My real estate agent said, "Maybe you should buy this place for yourself, and your mom can have your place." Ding, ding, ding! And right there the decision was made.

I explained to my therapist that this is my newest approach to the big D word. I'm happy where I am, but I'd never pass up a good deal if I stumbled upon it.

And so, just a few days later, those words still lingering over her therapy couch, I was trolling the dating sites and ... Wow. There is a profile that resonated with me (that makes 1 in approximately 25,000). And I find myself acting like a nutball. This is a short sampling of my thoughts:

He just joined this site, he is being swamped with e-mails from single women. I'm not writing to him.
He says he'd date women in my age range, but he really wants to date a 32 year old.
He is probably a jerk.
I've got a good gig with my baby, my home and my friends --- why screw this up?
I'll probably plunk $39 down for a month membership and he won't reply to my g.d. e-mail.
Shit, I think I could like this guy.

And so, it appears that I will not be breaking up with my therapist any time soon.

Through the Looking Glass ...

A close friend of mine, Molly, is 43 and single.

Molly is very attractive. Smart. Funny. Kind and thoughtful. Reliable and trustworthy. She is well-educated, has a good job, and hosts great dinner parties. She lives in a chic, funky beach cottage she renovated and decorated herself. In summary: Molly rocks.

Molly went on a date last Saturday with a guy she met on jdate. He is 49, seemed very nice via e-mails, is divorced and .... had just one picture posted. (I've decided that the one-picture posters must be approached with caution.)

When Molly opened the door to meet Mr. Jdate, she was immediately disappointed. He was older and puffier than he looked in his picture. Very nice mind you, but not as advertised (Why, oh why, do people do this???? You are not doing yourself any favors!).

Molly and Mr. Jdate went out to dinner and the evening was fine. C+. No sparks for Molly.

Molly called me the minute he left for the post-date play-by-play. Bottom line, she wasn't into him. But he seemed like a good guy. It's hard to find good guys. Maybe she should give him another shot. Maybe one more date.

I went along with the one more date plan. Fine, one more date. But in reality (and I hate to say this), you know after the first date. You really do. We all like to think that maybe you don't, maybe you're nervous, maybe he is nervous. We all know the woman who wasn't that into the guy on the first date and then he grew on her, and now they're married and living in White Plains with 3 children and couldn't be happier. But most of the time, you just know after the first date. Sorry, you just do, at least when it's all wrong.

Molly called me last night, tortured. Mr. Jdate has e-mailed her, called her, and reprimanded her for not getting back to her sooner (yesterday was Tuesday, mind you). Molly was pissed at him for being pissed. She doesn't want to see him again. But she thinks maybe it's her: She doesn't give people a chance. She is too picky. She is hard on people. She is unrealistic about who is out there. The list goes on and on ....

But through the looking glass from 20 feet away, it was so perfectly clear to me. She just doesn't like this guy. Period. It wasn't just that he was puffy and older than advertised. She just didn't like him. She isn't too picky, too hard to people, unrealistic, etc etc... she just doesn't like this guy. It's really that simple.

It's hard to pick a piece of chewed gum off of the bottom of your sneaker and form it into a sculpture worthy of display at MOMA. Sorry, it just doesn't work.

I'll have to keep this story in mind the next time I reprimand myself for the very same things. Life is so much more clear when it's someone else's.

M.I.L.F.

I've learned an interesting thing about dating in the single parents network .... if you're relatively young, in decent shape, and aren't leaking breast milk through your shirt or wearing jeans with an elastic waistband, you may be a M.I.L.F.

This is the one thing I may not mind having in common with Sarah Palin. That and the fact that we both hunt innocent animals from a helicopter with semi-automatic weapons ... oh right, just one thing.

I've found myself in a different solar system. In my past dating life, a 35-something single Jewish woman who wanted children was a ticking time bomb. Every such woman's profile on jdate is accompanied by the soundtrack to Mission Impossible, with a burning fuse leading to a petri dish of her last viable eggs.

But now that I have a baby, the background music to my profile has changed. Roll, "Whoomp, there it is!" with visuals of Teri Hatcher wearing a Cougar t-shirt and pushing a Bob's Revolution Stroller. Who knew?

I've received 153 messages on the single parents site in one month. That is an approximately 30:1 ratio of messages received in my prior dating life. Granted, most of these fathers are not F.I.L.F. In fact, few are even sitter-worthy (the post-baby comparison to sponge-worthy). And at $13/hour for a babysitter, I'm gonna need a little convincing before I answer, "Whose your Daddy?"

Diaper Dating

My daughter and I celebrated her 2-week birthday this week by (drumroll please ....) going out on our first date as a team.

No, not kidding.

A guy had contacted me on Plenty of Fish a few weeks ago. We corresponded, I told him I was expecting a baby via a gestational carrier, and then didn't hear from him for a while. Of course, I figured that news had been enough to freak him out. Wasn't I surprised to get a call from him a few days after I brought my daughter home from the hospital? The call went a little something like this:

"Hello" (that's me, exhausted and trying to lug the baby in carseat, diaper bag, and shopping bag into the house)

"Hey, Liv, this is Bob from Plenty of Fish. Is this a good time for you to talk?"

"Um, actually, no Bob. My baby was born this week and I'm trying to carry her into the house."

How's that for Dating Etiquette 101?

Again, I thought I'd never hear back from Bob, and yet he called a week later. After speaking he asked me out for dinner. I don't like to go out for dinner on a first date - its too big a commitment of time, energy and resources. Plus, I hate the whole 'Who's paying the bill?' gig. So I slipped in:

"Bob, it would be easier for me to meet for coffee, if you don't mind. I'll have my daughter with me and it's easier to plan for a short period of time."

And then it hit me ... having a child is a great dating accessory! I can blame everything on her now. Wow, they never mention this in Dr. Spock.

So we met for coffee. I didn't have to go throught the awkward desciption of what I look like -- hell, how many single women are in Starbucks on a Wednesday night with a baby?

Ironically, the conversation with Bob was one of the best I've had in months. I wonder if having a baby is also a good screening tool? All men too immature to date a woman with a child at this age need not apply.

Lucy needed a bottle half way through the date and I whipped one out and fed it to her -- imagine how awkward this would have been if I breastfed! A few minutes later I told Bob we needed to go home to avoid a meltdown. He walked us out to the parking lot and went for the dreaded first-date-parking-lot hug. But it is difficult to hug someone when they are blocking you with a 6 lb. baby in a carseat -- again, points for Lucy! Bob settled for the arm squeeze instead, and I didn't have to decide whether or not to reciprocate because my arms were full.

I'm not sure if I'll hear from Bob again. If I do, great, If not, great.

I'm too happy and exhausted to worry about what he thought, whether or not he will call, whether or not I should call him, and whether or not I care. But this date was very important to me because it is living proof that being a Mom and Dating and not mutually exclusive. And it proves what I've already begun to suspect --- Lucy and I make a great team.