Maternal Instinct

Are some girls born with the instinct to become mothers themselves someday? I think the answer is yes. And I also think that plenty of women have no particularly strong drive to become mothers, but then have children, figure it out, and love their children as much as anyone else.

I've been thinking a lot about motherhood over the past few years. Three years ago I broke off a relationship with a guy I loved because I could no longer make myself pretend that this marriage would have a chance in hell of working out. I loved the guy, I loved what he said he wanted in life and who he wanted to be, but I also knew that it was extremely unlikely that he would ever get there. My body admitted this before I did --- I couldn't sleep, eat, or function. But even after I knew it couldn't work, I clung to hope because I felt that he was my last shot at marriage and a baby, in that order. I was 36.

The break-up was devastating to everyone involved. Six months, 2 guys, and 5 bad dates later, I took a long, hard look at the facts and realized I needed to reverse my priority list and work on motherhood first. Speed dating and a mad rush down the aisle would get me into very deep trouble, very quickly. And then the fertility journey began.

Early last spring I was pondering the fertility journey and maternal instinct as I was out for my first kayak ride of the season. I was thinking about my journey thus far: going it alone, telling my parents for the first time, abandoning Plan A. Dozens of invasive procedures, surgeries and injections, hundreds of hours in research, travel and appointments, thousands of dollars in drugs and medical expenses. Was it all worthwhile? Why was I doing this to myself????

It was still cold and no one was on the water as I paddled by a small island of rocks. Without warning a seagull flew toward my head, squalking loudly and threatening to dive bomb. Startled by the interruption, I paddled around the island and she followed me --- becoming more menacing, and circling my head. What was her problem?

And then I saw 5 fuzzy gray chicks sitting on the rock --- this seagull was a mom. This is why she is harassing a kayaker. This is why I continue my journey.