Wingman

The dimmer in the lights over my dining room table blew, so I hired an electrician to come to the house.   He rang the bell at the precise moment when I had just taken off my work clothes and was standing ass naked in my bedroom.  Yes, I really did answer the door in my bathrobe.

His name was Brian and he was about my age and had beautiful blue eyes. Despite my outfit, he didn't seem to think I was crazy (bonus points).

My 3-year old daughter followed me down the stairs and started in with her line of questioning.

"Are you Brian?"
"Yes."
"Where did you come from?"
"Outside."
"Why?"
"I came to fix your lights."
"Are they broken?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I'm trying to figure that out."
"Do you have a penis?"

I heard myself choke.  I tried to dodge.

"Sweetie, do you want to play with your blocks?"
"Do you have a penis?"
"Sweetie, that is a private question."
"Does he have a penis?"

Okay, there is no dodging.

"Well, he is a boy, so most likely he does have a penis,"
Did I just say that? 
"but that is a private question and not something we say in public."
"Can I see it?"

I may have an aneurysm.  The electrician is holding back a smirk and examining my transformer.  Wait a minute - why does that sound dirty?  

"No, you may not see it. And we don't ask that."
I try to explain, "I'm sorry.  We just read a book about 'Who has what'."

He was gracious, explaining that he has two small daughters and has already heard everything.  But somehow I don't think he'd heard this one.  He also explained that he is a single father and takes his girls shopping for clothes and recently had to deal with the bra scene, which embarrassed him to death.

Hmm.  I'm meeting a nice, single father who has a good sense of humor and can fix my lights.  Is my daughter my wingman?  And if so, can we please postpone a viewing of the package?  

The Cost of Being Cheap

I hate women who go out with men to get a free meal and I am not one of those women.  However, I've got a gripe with men who are cheap --- and I've met more than my share lately.

I recently went out with a guy who was driving over an hour to meet me and I offered, up front, to buy him an overpriced drink at a swanky bar.  Little did I know that he would order a scotch that was $20  for what amounted to 4 Tablespoons worth of alcohol, but hey - a deal is a deal and I was happy to pick up the tab.

We met again for a lunch date a week later and had pizza.  I kid you not, the tab was $11.  When the bill came he said, "What should we do about the bill?".  Can you imagine ???  He ended up putting it on his credit card only because he didn't have enough cash to pay for half.  And this was a date that was going well!  Unacceptable.  Meanwhile, I was paying $10/hour for a babysitter.  Wow.

A year ago a guy asked me out for a drink and we met at a Mexican restaurant and each had one drink. At his insistence, we also split an appetizer (I would much rather have just a drink on date #1).  When the bill came he was visibly uncomfortable and said something like, "I can pay the bill if you'd like me to."  Are you serious?  and so we split the bill.  Really nice guy, really low class move.

Equally as bad are men who say things like, "I'll be the nice guy and get the bill here" (last summer)  or "I'll take the hit on this one" (2 weeks ago).  Whatever happened to, "Please, it would be my pleasure"????

Men, if you can't afford to pay for one drink, one appetizer, or an $11 pizza, here is the bottom line --- don't ask the girl out.  Period.  Because you truly can't afford to look this cheap.  It's rude, it's low class and frankly, its just not acceptable.