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Sunday, January 30, 2011

From the Outside Looking In

Today Lucy and I were doing our early Sunday morning routine in the coffee shop and she was hanging out with the regulars, who have become her weekend uncles. I overheard one of them saying that they are Lucy's uncles because, "the kid has to have a family".

Shock. The look on my face must have been priceless. I then put 2 + 2 together. Single mom here with a baby every weekend. No wedding ring. No husband, no father. These two must have no family.

I didn't mention the doting grandparents, the aunt and her family 3 hours away, the handful of great aunts and uncles, or the scores of friends-who-are-like-family we are blessed to have in our lives. I didn't mention the neighbors who think Lucy is half theirs or our loving nanny. But it did make me remember, once again, how different the world looks when you are the outsider looking in.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Lessons in Starbucks

It's another snowy day here in the Northeast and I'm sitting in Starbucks trying to work on a project deadline. One of my Starbucks friends (don't even know his name) asked how my daughter is doing, and I replied that she is doing well and getting big. This prompted him to share the following story:

"About 13 years ago I dated a woman with a beautiful 4 year old daughter. It was the 'perfect set-up' because I loved the daughter and if it worked out I knew I'd have an 'instant family'. The three of us did everything together -- shopping, sailing, playing at the park -- and I loved it. Unfortunately, the relationship with the mom didn't work out after we dated for two years and I hadn't seen her or her daughter in many years. The other day I was in the grocery store and a beautiful young woman walked by. She looked so familiar and I couldn't stop staring at her, and finally said, "Lilly?". She turned around and sure enough it was the little girl - now 17 years old! She remembered me too and we caught up for a few minutes. What a wonderful memory."

I didn't get much work done on my project this morning, but I learned a lot.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Brave New World

The metamorphosis is a bit more painful than anticipated.

My office manager of 7 years had her last day on Friday. She was just my office manager, right? A colleague. We worked together. She didn't die, or move to Siberia, she just took a new job. Employees come and go. Change is good. Things happen for a reason. No sweat.

So why in the hell did I find myself crying in the bathroom stall at work at 4:15 on Friday afternoon?

I've given this a lot of thought over the weekend. Granted, I'm under a lot of stress. One employee is on maternity leave, another is going out, the maternity leave replacement wears fishnets and stillettos, I've got a major deadline this week, we've had more snow days than Frosty, and my temp secretary has a color hair not found in nature. Yes, I'm under a lot of stress.

But why am I so upset about my office manager, Staci, leaving? I thought back to 7 years ago when she started. Soon after her arrival, my cat from college died - a huge life event for me. We were in a much smaller office and one of my two other employees was just moving away. Staci helped me coordinate the move to a much bigger office and a new phase of my career. I hired 2 new employees who have now been with me for six years. I met Glenn, dated Glenn, planned to marry Glenn, and then broke up with Glenn. Staci saw the whole thing go down and covered for me when I'd go home to lie on the couch and cry. Staci was the only one who knew about my attempts to get pregnant, my miscarriages, and my attempted corrected surgeries. She was one of the first to know I was pregnant via a gestational carrier and she was my right hand woman during my maternity leave and subsequent return to the office. She came to my house and held my newborn daughter. She told me I looked great when I actually looked like I hadn't slept in 47 years and had a formula stain on my shirt. We talked about working together until we were ready to retire. That is why I'm so upset.

So tomorrow is the brave new world with the temp, who has already stored an entire case of soda in our refrigerator without invitation. I hope we make it through at least a six-pack.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Metamorphosis

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Saturday, January 8, 2011

Lessons from a High School Boyfriend

I started dating my first real boyfriend in the summer between junior and senior years of high school. Our sisters were on the same softball team and our families had known each other for several years; perhaps this made the 4 year age difference between us a bit easier on my parents (but probably not). I learned many things from this boyfriend (fill in the blanks here) ... but seriously, many of those lessons have stayed with me for 20+ years.

This guy - let's call him Jake - did not want to be sucked into the family business. But it was really all he knew and where he'd worked since he was a teenager. He went to college and aspired to go to business school, but didn't make it happen. He therefore moved home by necessity and started working for the family business. He once said to me, "Choose your life before it chooses you." I ran into him many years later and asked how his life was -- his answer, "The same".

Jake actually married a lovely woman who seems like a great match for him and I hope he has a happy and fulfilling life. But the point that always stayed with me is that you have to create your own life or, like a kayak on a river, you'll just be moved along with the current.

I've tried to embrace my own ability to change and shape my life. Even if it means taking a few minutes a week to work toward a goal, I'll do it. But certain things (relationships, fertility, health) are sometimes outside our control and cannot be chiseled, corralled, or shaped. Some of it is left to happenstance or luck. And perhaps then the only variable is how you paddle when your kayak is headed into rough waters.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

When the Going Gets Tough ...

I turn to horoscopes

Wack, I know. And not a fact I'm particularly proud of, especially since I consider myself a practical, scientifically-minded rational person. But this is what I do when many elements in my life are spinning out of control and I like to pretend I have some tiny bit of control over the future. When the going gets particularly tough I've been known to visit a psychic.

My work life is tumultuous these days, a close friend's spouse was recently diagnosed with cancer, and my daughter and I are still recovering from jet lag and sleep deprivation --- so I took a hit on my old friend, the astrology pipe. Reading my weekly on-line wasn't enough so, yes, I turned to the $6 year-ahead predictions on-line.

What did I learn during this dirty little prediction call? Well, I heard lots of things --- some pretty far out, and some fairly mundane. But the overriding theme was that I will redefine the nature of my lifetime dreams in the coming months.

Deep, huh? and kind of Freaky.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Airport Screening

No, I don't mean the rather personal new pat-downs at security check points (I got one, and then smoked a cigarette).

I mean instead that I've discovered a great new 'true' personality test --- better than seeing how a person treats the waitstaff in a restaurant or how they treat their mother (c'mon, they know you're watching). Stick a person in a busy airport and see if they offer to help a single mom traveling alone with a baby. Anyone who does -- male, female, short, fat, bald, toothless, or hirsute -- scores big points for me in attractiveness.

I'm just back from an overseas trip with my 15-month old daughter and I was amazed to see who would help a single mom obviously in need of major assistance, and who would glance at their iPhone pretending not to see us. Amazed. Seriously, what the hell else do you have to do while you're waiting for your plane????

Here is my business plan: I will secretly videotape a person going through an airport and sell the raw footage to their prospective dates on match.com for a hefty price. Airport screening at its best.