Substitutions

The latest pearl of wisdom that people seem to impart on me is, "Wait until your baby gets here. You won't have the time, energy or desire to date anymore."

This gem appears stranger and stranger as the due date grows closer.

I can follow the logic behind arguing that I won't have the time or energy to date. Hell, I don't have the time or energy to do it now. I certainly don't have the desire to date -- and yet, for all of the freak show, circus act, comedy club, jailhouse rockers I've come into contact with in the past few years, some type of desire for a relationship with the gravitational pull of a small planet seems to suck me back in. Considering my track record over the past few years, this force should be impressive even to NASA.

But how can you argue that having a child will take the place of an adult, male/female, sexual relationship? If a friend was cold, would you hand her a glass of water and expect that to meet the need? If a neighbor was depressed, would you tell him that an aspirin would do the trick? If a co-worker was stressed, would you pinch his ass to take his mind off his problems? (If you answered yes to this last question let me warn you that this may be misconstrued as sexual harrassment.)

The answer is no. I can also personally vouge for the fact that eating a large bowl of ice cream will not make you less bored, less tired, or more motivated to write that report for work you've been avoiding all weekend. I've tested this hypothesis no less than 100 times --- doesn't work.

Those of us who are bakers know that substitutions can get you into big trouble. If you run out of baking soda, adding extra flour won't help --- I know they are both white powders, but sorry, flour won't help your scones rise.

I've also never understood it when people say, "My pet is like a child to me." I've had several pets that I've loved deeply. They were members of my family. I had one cat for 14 years and we lived in five homes together across four cities. But I never once thought to myself, "Now that I have this cat I don't need to have a baby." I just don't get it.

And so, with only a few short weeks to the Due Date, I bash on. Perhaps you parents in the crowd are thinking to yourselves, "Oh, you just wait and see, a baby will fill up your entire solar system". And maybe you're right. And although I can't wait to meet my baby girl and have her add a new and thrilling dimension to my life, I hope I'll never say that she is my entire world. I don't think that would be fair to either of us.